Pages

Friday, July 2, 2010

I HAVE AGE!


At the PATHOLOGIST

P: So when was your last check up?
ME: Um, in childhood, I think.
P: (Seems perturbed) OK, do these tests (hands me a list of blood tests, ultrasounds, etc). And do visit an endocrinologist, neurologist and cardiologist...and I'm surprised you haven't already seen a gynaecologist!
ME: I can't promise I'll do them all, but I'll try.

At the ENDOCRINOLOGIST

E: Do you feel your heart flutter?
ME: Yes. (Consider adding "And I'm not even in love", but husband is beside me.)
E: Have you been crying lately more than in the past?
MY HUSBAND: (There because the Endocrinologist is his friend) She's been crying since her two close friends died last year. They died of cancer. Says she wants it, too, so that she can be put out of her misery.
ME: You're not supposed to say such things! No, I'm not the crying sort. Have been irritable though! Really angry! Mainly with him! (Point to husband)
E: (Poker faced) Do you have trouble sleeping?
ME: Yes, but I'm stressed.
E: Do you feel stressed?
ME: Yes, doesn't everyone?
E: Do you feel tired?
ME: Yes. And drowsy too.
E: How is your libido?
ME: Down. (Stare at my husband) Thank goodness.
E: When was your last period?
ME: April 8.
E: You probably have thyroid problems. Do these tests. And I'm surprised you haven't already seen a gynaecologist.


At the GYNAECOLOGIST
After asking me the same questions as the endocrinologist and giving me a pap test, uteral ultrasound and mammogram.

G: It seems to me that you are experiencing pre-menopausal symptoms. That would explain why you feel bloated, touchy and irritable.
ME: Isn't that a bit early? I'm not even 42 yet!
G: Well, yes. But don't worry. You are normal. It's just an age thing.
ME: So I guess, I am normal but my age is NOT.
G: (Giggles) Yes, age is a problem.

Yes, folks, after all this run-around I finally know what is wrong with me and why I feel tired, bloated, cynical, irritated, pissed off, bitchy, frustrated, sexless, practically menopausal and energy-drained...

 I HAVE AGE!

7 comments:

Ro Magnolia said...

Terrific!!! The verdict is in, I too have AGE!!! Dreaded, dreaded epidemic spreading across the freakin' globe. Is there any hope for us?

... at least it hasn't killed your sense of humour. :D

Sharon said...

I laughed, I sighed, I commiserated. The good news is you "Got Age." The bad news, you "Got Age." (Drinking from Gibran's "Same Well" yet again. Great post. Thanks.

PS my word verification is RUSTS!

Robin said...

Speaking as someone who is 42, that is the only part of your post that I really found to be well... insulting. That is the marker for AGE? Crap. I have age, too. Unfortunately, all of my symptoms are running in reverse. Or so I thought. I am irritable (aka bitchy), cry a lot, feel terrible, can't sleep, constant migraine, and can't get over Right Guy who I haven't seen in 4 years but I miss horribly. We run in tandem until we get to the migraines and the men. Maybe I would feel differently about it if Right Guy and I hadn't broken up. By this time, I might be ready for him to leave. Who knows. Seriously 42? That's the marker? I need to go take a pill.

George said...

I love the title, and your sense of humour - partly because you allow us to see underneath (a bit).

I don't like AGE. I certainly did not sign up for it. Some societies respect their 'Elders' - but I guess those societies have other drawbacks.
But, wait a minute - I'm not old - mature, yes.

And - if I may be so bold as to make a prediction - YOU will always be YOUNG. AGE is not to do with years.
But hey, you know that!

So keep on writing this great stuff - I know there is another side to the humour, but you have a lot of friends out here!

Purple Cow said...

Hello fellow sufferers!

There are so many of us!

HOPE THEY FIND A CURE SOON!

LJ said...

I couldn't have said it better. One word of advice though - nothing beats Peri-menopausal blues/PMS than a good dose of anti-depressants. Without them I truly believe I would have seriously injured my husband and filed for divorce.
I got age, but can't wait until the point I start enjoying it.

Purple Cow said...

Thanks for your advice LJ...I'm fighting it in other ways - with fine friends, exercise and Mediterranean sun, too. Lately I've also been hankering for food. Do you suppose I'm pregnant?