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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

forever LOST

I first lost my TRUST when I swallowed a fishbone that accidentally made its way to my soup despite my mother’s vigilant bone-picking. I nearly choked, but this taught me that you had to be extra careful. Life comes with bones and no guarantees.

I lost my CHILDHOOD when I was in 6th grade. My mother barged into the room and pulled me off my playmate, George, who I had pinned down after a round of boxing – our favorite pastime. She took me to the side and whispered in my ear that soon I would be menstruating and I should not be sitting on boys. This made me cautious and I kept my distances every time George said, “Bet you can’t pin me down!” I became more aware of my sexuality and suddenly life acquired taboos.

I think I lost my RELIGION when I became aware of the injustice in this world. I realised that God – if there really was one – didn’t really seem to give a damn. The local priest said that this was all a test but the rules just didn’t seem fair to me. So I made up my own rules based on what I thought to be humane, compassionate common sense rather than church superstition. This must have been around the time that I took to reading Richard Dawkins.

I lost my COUNTRY by choice when I packed all my things and said “goodbye” to everyone I had known since then. “I’m off on my adventure,” I said without a care and with very little money. All I really wanted was to be free, but I found that absolute freedom is just another myth.

I lost my belief in TRUE, EVERLASTING LOVE the first time I was tricked by someone who said “I love you!” and then promised me the moon and the stars. Of course, the moon and the stars were never delivered and I was left feeling a very lonely fool. So I promised myself that from then on I would be the predator, never again the victim. Though I succeeded in this, I must admit, kisses no longer tasted as sweet.

I lost my belief in FAIRYTALES after getting married and realizing that marriage is just another institution. It’s really just a piece of paper that you should never sign especially if you are madly, passionately in love with the person doing the proposing. Perhaps a routine life would be more bearable to quit if you weren't living it with someone you cared about. 

The truth is that I keep losing things all the time – keys, passports, jewellery, marbles, even blogger layouts. Of course, I must admit that I also find other things to replace what I have lost. For instance, cynicism, maturity, culture, philosophy, intellectual thought. EXPERIENCE is probably the most valuable consolation prize for all my losses. But, you know what, it is overrated.

If I could give back experience and maturity to regain my trust, vulnerability, gullibility, cluelessness, openess, innocence, God, security, belief in true, everlasting love and fairytales I would indeed make the swap without even a second thought! What a wonderful life it would be - without fishbones, taboos and cares!

6 comments:

LJ Ducharme said...

I grieve with you on your loss, and many of them I have complete understanding of. However, it is these kinds of losses that make up the adults we are. You are now an insightful, intelligent, thoughtful young woman, who without those loses may not be able to stand here today and tell her story.
Thank you for sharing your loss, and know that by shining just a little light on them today - the secrets and hurts are a little more dissipated than they were yesterday.

Sandy, Sisters of Season said...

Wow Mary, seems like life has been hard on you . . I can relate, but I chose to forgive and it made all the difference. It easy to hold on to things that happen to us, but what good does it do, it only hurts us in the long run. We feel it's a way of protecting ourselves, but it really only controls us and holds us in bondage. It hardens are heart and we control every emotion that comes towards us and sometimes because our hearts are harden we miss things . . things that might be very special, very important. It's easy to look at the negative, but I would rather look at the positive. Love, Sandy :O)

Robin said...

Since I've started reading your blogs, you've done a lot of things to me. You've made me think about the economics in Greece, which I confess I've never done. Smoking in Greece, which I've never done. You've also had me pondering philospophical issues which I have done, but you've had me come at it from a new perspective. Today, for the first time, you opened your heart and you made me cry. In other words, this was really beautiful. I couldn't have said it any better. I agree on every point. You can't unring the bell.

Purple Cow said...

Thank you for your commiserations, but I really don't think my losses are so special...they are just those little losses that we all suffer on the way to growth and self-actualisation... Personally, I try not to make the same mistake twice, but then again, that is a double-edged sword cause it doesn't leave much room for second chances. Take care...sorry for your losses also, but congratulations for your hard-earned gains. And THANKS for hearing me and for your moving responses. Kisses xxx and smiles :)))

Anonymous said...

.....the first time you was tricked by someone who said “I love you!” and then promised you the moon and the stars? or maybe, he was tricked by you, why you already had given your virginity to another man, and the words “I love you!” was for you only ~Dust in the wind~?

smilecat

Purple Cow said...

Dear Smilecat,
Do I detect some bitterness projected onto me as a woman? Perhaps, you, too have been hurt and lost. My love lost was a platonic thing and not a question of 'virginity'...and has nothing to do with it. But you are right that sometimes we end up hurting others the way we have been hurt. The worst hurt of all is the hurt we place on ourselves...the hurt that brings experience.

PS I think you are overrating 'virginity'...